A list of weird fears.

Fears, idiosyncrasies, nightmares, phobias; whatever you want to call them. We’ve all got these weird little ideas of what is and what is not scary or threatening. I mean if one were to look objectively at these fears one would think “ well that’s just cray”, which would be followed by some sort of laughter and definite eye rolling. Well yes I have a list of weird fears, which are real. To me anyway.

Being framed for a murder I did not commit – This is a real fear, ja feel? There are powerful people out there, people that don’t want to be caught when they kill someone. I’m talking about those rich, hegemonic folk with connections and flashy cars. Who else better to pin their hideous crime on than a really pale pastor’s daughter? Yes, the fear is real.

Lending people my hairbrush – Now this one may seem odd but let me explain and guaranteed you won’t be letting people borrow your hairbrush all willy nilly! Picture this, you are kidnapped, because you are ridiculous good looking and stuff. The police need to find you, otherwise your cat will starve. So the good ol policeman that they are, go to your room to find DNA, so they can find you, or follow your DNA trail. (I think it is safe to say I’m no forensic expert) “ah ha! A hair brush”- the excited policeman exclaim, so they gather the hair off it, put it in one of those little see-through plastic bags – Job done, time to get donuts. NO JOB NOT DONE! What if the hair isn’t yours, what if it’s your dear best friend Claudia’s? Now they are looking for Claudia and you’re stuck in a basement! Not working out well for you is it? Moral of the story – don’t lend your hairbrush out!

Space – I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I mean space! So big, so vast. Imagine getting lost there, just floating around in an endless nothingness. A picture of space, or a movie or anything where you get a look at space make me feel nauseous on all sorts of levels.

Sea – My rule with the sea is; you stay on your side and I will stay on mine. If my feet can’t touch the sand, drop the mike, I’m out of there. I’m gonna respect a shark or blue bottles private space, that’s their crib. I will just sit in the sand enjoying the view with an ice cream.

Stairs with gaps in-between them – Now I’m pretty sure this is a mutually world wide fear, because who likes feeling like they will slip through those little evil gaps and fall to your doom? Any-one? No, the people who designed those are sadists with a sick sense of humour.

Elevators – I get that this invention was made to improve our relationship with going far distances but just no. Constantly moving stairs. It’s a nightmare. One slip and you’re at the bottom of those escalators with a broken neck and an impending funeral.

Being a witness of a crime – You’re just minding your own business walking your dog at the park, when a black Sedan pulls up and kidnaps some important person’s child. You mistakenly make eye contact with the kidnapper. Well good-bye park, good-bye dog. Hello Mexico and fake passport Identity. Because those are your choices – Escape to Mexico or death, and I choose nachos over death thank-you very much.

I think the conclusion to this list is that I watch too much T.V.

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